Blindsided

blindsided:
To hit or attack on or from the blind side.
To catch or take unawares, especially with harmful or detrimental results

So, of course, since Axl was born I have been thinking about the fact that I would return to school in January for my final year in order to finish and earn my Teaching Certificate. I would even say that every day it entered my mind. I would think of it begrudgingly and feel a little sad, remember to do something to prepare for that coming day (work on his schedule, clean the house, line up a sitter, etc), talk with people about potential problems it would bring...just, in general, very calmly and levelheadedly prepare. One might think, (namely me), that I was doing the things I needed to be doing to sufficiently prepare myself and Axl for this change.

I was wrong.

Yesterday was very smooth. I gave the house a good clean--something I would normally do before the "first day of school", finished all the laundry (well, tried my best), printed out my schedule to figure out where all my classes were and put that with a blank notebook I could use for notes. All this by eleven pm which I regarded at the time as a great accomplishment. Axl had been in bed for a couple hours and Tyler was up doing some eBay so I thought I would be out in no time as a climbed into bed.

It felt like as soon as my head hit the pillow thoughts started flowing through one ear and out the other and another was coming in before the preceeding one even left.
Will the bottles I have completely ready (pumped, frozen, thawed, measured and put in the fridge) be enough?
Will something happen the first day I leave him?
Will I feel responsibility and guilt the rest of my life for it? (the completely hypothesized situation...)
Will something happen to me on my way home because I really wasn't supposed to return to school and I won't ever see my family again?
Will he get adequate care? (I was able to put this aside quickly as a friend, Leighann, is keeping him whom I trust wholeheartedly)
Will I run out of milk?
Will I be able to pump?
Will I have to pump in a bathroom? gross
Will my production increase as Axl needs more milk?
How in the world could it when he is not able to let my body know when he needs to nurse more?
Will I feel all the time as if I'm not being the best mother?
Will Axl think Leighann is his mother?
Will I be able to finish or will I give up?
Will I have to teach after I'm done because we don't have enough money?
Will Axl get hurt and me not be there to soothe him?
Will I EVER be able to fall asleep? No.

So I lay there...answered the questions with the worst possible situations...cried...sobbed...tossed...turned...asked more questions...prayed...listened to Axl squirm in his sleep on the monitor. It just hit me like a brick wall that this was it. I thought about going to school every day before this but 'every day' was not TODAY. Today I would get up and go to school and leave Axl ALL day like I would for most of the days during the next 3 months. I suddenly felt as if I hadn't made use of the preceeding days I had with him. Why didn't I know they were short-lived? Why didn't I realize?

So most of the night I didn't sleep. My plans to try and keep him from eating this morning until 7:30 (because I think I can pump twice at school and him eating at 10:30 and 1:30 would work with this situation because I could be home by a 4:30 feeding) blew up in my face! When he woke as he usually does at about 6:15 I got him out of bed to dress him on the changing table and he screamed at the top of his lungs for the duration of the time that I lasted...probably about 4 minutes. I felt like he was literally saying, "Mom. Why is this different? You don't put me here every morning. You leave me in my swaddle, cradle me, feed me, and rock me and lay me back in bed for a longer sleep. What is going on? This is not right."

So I gave up. I did get him dressed so he wouldn't have pajamas on when Leighann got here, but I fed him and laid him back down to sleep. Luckily this was the one day of the week we decided Leighann would keep him here at our house. So it worked out, but did nothing to help the future situation when I will have to get him up to take him to her. He must have known I needed a break because I found out later he got a little fussy at 10 so Leighann warmed the first bottle but then he refused to eat it until 10:30 on the dot. :) He loves me.

I got to school expecting this to be the normal short day of the week I will have (Wednesday) and get out at 12:15 only to find that everyone except me was informed that all days during the first week will be long--until 3:30. Luckily, I had prepared the second bottle for Axl in case, and my dad was able to come keep him the second half of the day.

So I got through the day. Pumped in the bathroom twice, gross. Couldn't actually use the bathroom at all because pumping took up all of the 15 minute breaks.

We were blindsided but we survived. Axl was alive and well when I got home. The milk was more than sufficient and I was able to pump enough for tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow will go more smoothly; I'm not counting on it.